Review: That Good Night

Plot
Oh lord

Why

WHY did I write this

Anyway the first thing so you see is a warning for people 13 or under not to read this. At the time, I was 13, and therefore I broke my rule as soon as I wrote it.

Also literally everyone in the comments except Jelo were 13 or under so

Screw you all Before them was a purple triangle with eyes What? First of all you can't have a 2D shape like a triangle in a 3D realm, that's like basic geometry. And I remember I intended this to be a Haunter, but wanted it to reappear in my independent non-fandom story so I changed it.

thanking it’s newfound ability to speak English. Meowth was more confused Me irl
 * 1) Meowth had the ability for like 5 episodes before this takes placd. Combine that with the speed IaLR usually goes at and that's basically a lifetime
 * 2) I'd imagine it would just meow in response or something, but seeing as it's an Alolan Meowth, it would sound like this:

“I hate people who try to escape death EVEN MORE.”

You’re cute

Leaked Picture of Shiron IRL

And that part is over. Let me remind you that this is the good part. What follows is so edgy it hurts to write this. You have been warned.

She was unconscious - she had been for the past few weeks

How the hell can someone stay unconscious for weeks. They have to eat and drink, even coma patients have nutrients delivered to them.

Speaking of that why isn't this girl in a hospital

and there was nothing he could do but look at her. So he looked at her for weeks on end? Staring at an unconscious girl is creepy, but doing that for weeks is plain psychopathic. And taking the previous point into account she could easily be a corpse by now. What is this, The Shining?

She was his whole world, the one who made him stay with the Gang

Replace She with BoltBlizard and you've got Kira Yoshikage's life story.

Call me biased, but I honestly believe the next paragraph was really well written. The only problem is that it's about 200000% edgier than what's suitable for a wiki about cartoon characters joining forces. Chuck this over to r/depression and you've got yourself a story. What follows, not so much.

Creeper stood in a field. The grass was red. The sky was red. His hands were red. Bodies surrounded him, Jelo, Lillie, Richard, everyone he knew was dead.


 * 1) Creeper doesn't know Richard very well.
 * 2) I'd like to point out that plants don't have blood, and their counterpart to it is green, but I guess everyone else's blood would kind of cover up the small amount of plant blood.

The two halves of the gun fell the floor How does Creeper even get a gun? They're illegal in England and the one that appeared was in a hallucination.

Lillie - gun in hand, tears in eyes. “Never talk to me again.”




 * 1) That's not how guns work. If Lillie shot Creeper's gun it would've knocked it out of his hand, sure, but the actual damage would consist of a hole, not any kind of split.
 * 2) How did Lillie get a gun? Last time I checked England wasn't handing out free guns to everyone they see.
 * 3) Lillie talks to Creeper plenty of times after this.
 * 4) Lillie was in a coma. How did she miraculously wake up just to stop Creeper's suicide? Seems too convenient to me.

Thank god it's over. First, plot. The plot was decent for the first half, if lacklustre. But the second half

Oh the second half

The whole plot is 'Creeper is depressed and schizophrenic and Lillie is sad too'. It's just embellished so much is seems like more. Overall it gets a 0.5/3 because the first half at least had something.

Grammar
No spelling mistakes, nothing incorrect tbh. 2.5/3 .5 taken off because the first sentence of the second half is kinda unclear.

Originality
It's...original. I'll give you that. The "IM SO EDGY" trope is super overdone, and the biggest problem of this story, and Damien's personality is a direct copy of another character's. 1/3.

Overall
A mess of a story, with an interesting start but a trashy conclusion.

Verdict: 4/10 -