User blog:CITRONtanker/Guide to Survive the Inkpocalypse

''This slave manual survival guide is presented by Galactic Industries. Making your world a pit of doom, for better of for worse, since 2017. ''

''It started like any normal day. You got up, ate breakfast, got on your very best clothing, and set out to do some errands. You have a long personal list of things to do, but first on your list is to do some grocery shopping at the local market. In the middle of your shopping, you start to hear a loud, booming noise, like a thunderclap on a stormy day- startled, you quickly run to the cash register, pay for your food, and cautiously walk out the door of the market.''

''The sight could not be any more terrifying- to mortals, that is. You see stormy skies, the population of your city running amok in panic, no clear plan on what to do. But what is causing this unrest? It's no small fry of a threat- a look up to the clouds reveals the source of doom. You see a towering figure, partially cloaked in the darkness, but with a eerie pair of orange eyes cutting through the murky storm, as if it's piercing your very soul. You have to get a closer look- even if it kills you.''

''When you are close enough to see, you see it alright. A giantic figure very much resembling a human, but her hair seems orange and- tentacled. Smoke rising from below coats her like a dress, and embers from the fires of destruction only imtimidate you. This is the cause of the destruction, alright. You become stunned with fear- fleeing, you race to find a way simply to survive this- Inkpocalypse...''

Galaximus: Hello, all you happless fools! It is I, Galaximus! Destroyer of Worlds, Goddess of- oh come on, surely you know me by now! I mean you no harm today, for I have contructed something that will surely help you in the endgame of humanity. One day, you must face the truth- I will be coming to the human world, outside of CITRON's twisted laptop screen, to wreak utter havoc upon you, the reader!

But how do you survive the Inkpocalypse? Well, it's a complex process, and I don't think puny human minds are capable of understanding it! But, if you happen to be worthy enough, survival very might well be in your grasp. Of course, you need some help to survive, which is where I come in. Think of me being nice, in the sense of giving you all a fighting chance to escape me. You're welcome!

It's a multi-layered process, but lets go through it together. Picture your surroundings- you see hundreds, likely thousands of people, running in fear. What will you do? Where do you go? Is there anywhere to run? Most importantly, will you survive? Likely not. Although, if you were lucky enough to read this, you might be able to write a book about your success in my newly crafted world. These tips are meant to assist you in how to survive a rampant, hungry Inkling giantess like myself. Good luck! You're gonna need it....

Survival Tip #1: Don't be a City Slicker
Naturally, the first places to go on my list are the bustling cities and towns in the world. Why? Simple- I can cause much more destruction, and potentially enslave or slay many humans. Executing this step demands planning ahead- and if this is the only thing you managed to read before my arrival, it might be too late for you. Nonetheless, you need to get accquainted with potential places to stay relatively safe from my wrath. Oh sure, I'll eventually find you, but it might make you feel a little better, and you might be able to savor the world one last time before you are destroyed.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to a distant, rather desolate countryside. Make sure it's spacious, with good cover, food and water supplies, and some kind of way to signal other survivors of your presence. I usually don't care much for lone people- I might just ignore you in this case, for I'm a very busy empress! Not worth my time- I may stroll through these areas, but I likely won't kill you unless you are in my way.

Of course, this works for another reason, too...

Survival Tip #2: You Don't Have any Allies
Don't trust a soul in times like this- family, friends, loved ones, your neighbours, that random dude four blocks down from your house. They may appear willing to help you escape, but the true survivors of the Inkpocalypse will be two-faced con men (or women).

Have you ever seen a movie with a twist? For example, a good guy turning evil, or a bad guy being the father of the main protagonist. Folks will often beleive they are in such movies, lulling you into a flase sense of security that you don't, and never will, have. One minute, you and a pal will be trying to outrun me, and the next, your friend will trip you, sending you plumeting to the ground, to have who knows what happen? Even if your friend did not make it, you die learning you never had a pal- just a dirty traitor.

Do I encourage you doing the same? Yes, absolutely. In an every-man-for-himself mentality, one can and must be willing to do whatever they can to escape with their hide.

That said, there are some people you should never trust. For example, never trust a school bully, telemarketers, marine biologists, scientists, or fast food delivery men in times like these. In their own unqiue ways, they can all screw you over, so give them a wide berth! Dealing with me is bad enough.

Survival Tip #3: Never Approach Me
I'll assume you all have at least a tiny bit of common sense in you, but for the truly stupid, never try and get my attention! Don't even take a step towards me! Many sad victims think that my frequent rests are a time to butter themselves up, convincing me to care them in exchange for promises they can never keep. The outcome of  this is obvious.

Worse, however, is anyone who thinks yelling and screaming at me to stop will make me suddenly want to drop everything, sit down, and discuss our differences over coffee and pizza. I hear it all the time- picture yourself, in all stupidity, running in front of me, yelling "Hey! Look down! Don't crush me! Please! Stop this madness! I want to live!" Don't make me laugh. You don't even deserve being crushed! You deserve to be reduced to ashes for such tomfoolery! With the power of the Sun, the burns you suffer will be beyond painful, hotter than that of a million volcanoes. They always say to cool you jets, but I say burn, baby! BURN!

You might think that resorting to this might give me good terms with you. This is a claim you can pull from a dump. It's never worked, and it never, ever will work! Of course, it's just as bad if I'm attracted to you. Bright clothing is very bad for this reason.

Survival Tip #4: Arm Yourself for Combat! On second thought, Don't!
If you are part of the army, navy, or air force, this is the most important tip for you. Legions of tanks, aircraft, and thousands upon thousands of troops will likely be standing against me, trying to bring me down. You see noble, brave men and women, risking their lives to try and protect your own. You stop running, and slowly start to feel much better. You breathe a sign of relief.

Only to see the entire force decimated in less than a minute.

Your weaponry is simply incapable of hurting me, for it is far too small! Shots fired by guns, mortars, and even tanks, will feel like mere raindrops to me. and rockets are a welcome way to help subside my itches in hard to scratch areas.

But the worst thing you can try is nukes. Not only are they incapable of hurting me, but the immense power compressed into them is the perfect source of raw power for myself! I'll absorb this power, and with my nuclear dominance, quite literally melt away all hopes of your survival. The only thing worse than an angry, genocidal goddess, is a nuclear-enhanced angry, genocidal goddess!

And even if you do manage to hurt me, it's only going to anger me even more, so what's the dogonne point? Moving on. I want you to give into my power.

Survival Tip #5: Never Stand Between Me and Food
Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?!

It just so happens that you have a job the local chocolate factory. It's a very well paying job, buisness is booming, and you even get tons of free chocolate for yourself!

Of all the days your boss wanted you to work.

I don't mean to bring up stereotypes, but I adore chocolate. Can't get enough. Sometimes, on my off days, I simply watch TV with a whole stash of that yummy stuff!

How sad that you decided to go to work, in spite of this mass destruction, for the simple thought of being on time. Ick.

In no time flat, I am upon the building that you work in. But you still work away, unfazed by my intrusion. I manage to punch through the wall, and bust the machines you use, causing liquid chocolate to explode everywhere! You are coated in it from head to toe, and once you wipe it off, you find yourself high in the sky! Are you flying? Did you die, and are making your way to the afterlife?

No. You have been tossed into the air by yours truly, and looking down reveals my cavernous mouth, ready to catch you, and put an end to your romp. Don't worry, though! It's nice and cozy in there!

*GULP!*

Are you afraid? Hope so. And I sure hope you read this throughly! For one day, I will strike! And you won't even know it! And when I do, YOU ARE SO-

CITRONtanker: That's enough, Galax!

The entire thing was taking place on CITRON's laptop, and the Roleplayer proceeds to grab Galaximus with his mouse pointer, and then drag and drop her into the Recycle Bin, whiich he promptly empties.

CITRONtanker: Have no fear, readers. We are all safe from that nasty goddess! I hope....

THE END